I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
