At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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