I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
