that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
