He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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