lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
