allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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