I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
