How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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