I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
