Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize