when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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