If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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