My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think my fart just growled at me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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