I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Hippo gnu deer
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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