Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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