At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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