so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
