It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
