just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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