Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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