I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
