Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
