this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
