He asked me if I "almost moaned"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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