peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
