I'm jealous of your bromance
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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