Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
