Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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