Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
