I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
