im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
