Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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