I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize