she sounds like chewbacca in bed
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
