OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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