Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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