I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
