I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
