Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
