Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
