We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
