Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
