Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
