here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
