I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
