I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
