My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
