mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
