My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
