Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
