Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
