two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize