in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
