dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
