So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
