There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
