Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
