By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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