Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
