sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
accomplished twins. life is a go
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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