Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
