i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
