you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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