Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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