I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize