Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize