I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
